FAQ
WHAT IT IS: The nathwark is a small, immobile, wormlike organism which is ingested and grown like a plant, but from inside the body. The nathwark usually grows from the navel but it is not uncommon to see it appear above the shoulder, or just below the neck. It is quite safe to grow as long as it is cleaned regularly to prevent infection.
HOW IT WORKS: A nathwark is grown by first swallowing a "seed" with a large amount of water. It is important that you drink nearly twice as much water as you normally would. Like any plant, the nathwark needs to be "watered" regularly. Failure to drink enough water may cause the skin of nathwark to become dry, itchy, and/or irritable. It is also important that you eat a healthy diet, as well as supplementing with a weekly dose of Nathwamamine, our special pill that contains all of the nutrients you need to grow and maintain a healthy nathwark.
FAQ
A) While many critics dismiss the nathwark as a living version of the "pet rock" craze, true enthusiasts know that a nathwark is much more than a trend: it is like a best friend that you can grow. What you choose to do with it is up to you. Some people teach it tricks, others pierce it and use it as a fashion statement, some people just like having a little pal residing under their skin.
Q) Where did the nathwark originate? Why are they so uncommon in the United States?
A) The Nathwark (pl. nathwarka) was first reported in the early 6th century in Dhampatakti, a small island in the Indian Ocean. Islamic traders discovered them when they saw that the animals they carried onboard their ships had strange, worm-like growths. They did not think much of this until they encountered Nordic sailors, who believed the animals to be sacred beasts according to ancient legend. The sailors took these animals back to their homeland in the north, and ingested themselves with the nathwark seeds. For a long time, nathwarka were only seen in northern Europe. The trend started to catch on in the United States in the early 30's amongst the swingin' crowd, but when Hitler rose to power in Germany, he promoted the nathwarka heavily, which ended their popularity in the States. Sadly, the Nathwarka seem to have been forgotten after the end of the war, and many westerners have never known the joy of growing one.
Q) What historical figures have grown nathwarka?
A) Charlemagne is the first recorded person to have grown a nathwark, but upon his conversion to Christianity, was forced to remove it by the Pope. It is rumoured that former president JFK had a nathwark but kept it secret for fear that it would affect his campaign because of its asosciation with Hitler.
Q) Is it possible to grow more than one nathwark?
A) Growing more than one nathwark is physically possible, but because of the complex dietic requirements, this is not recommended for most people. Nathwarka all use the same nutrients, and if two or more live on the same body, they may try to compete for food. Growing and maintaining more than one nathwarka is a challenge but for the devoted, it is worth the effort.
Q) What is a wurthark? Is a wurthark compatible with my nathwark?
A) The wurthark is like a nathwark in structure, but is much larger and can move freely about within the body. Wurtharka are hostile parasites that not only try to feed off their host organism, but also try to dominate it. Wurtharka are agressive to other living growths and usually try to eat nathwarka and even other wurtharka living on the same body. They were orignally used by the ancient nordic mystics to devour cancerous tumors.
Q) How can I remove my nathwark?
A) If you become physically ill or are no longer able to support your nathwark, it is advised that you remove it from your body. This can be done by taking several aspirin pills, which the nathwark will quickly absorb, and be unable to digest. It will then immeadiately shrivel up and and go through your own digestive system and be excreted within several hours.
Q) Does my religion prevent me from growing a nathwark?
A) In the Middle Ages, the Roman Catholic Church decreed that any living creature grown from the inside of the body is a manifestation of sin and was not permitted. King Henry II tried to grow one, but upon his refusal to cut it off, he was excomunicated. There is a verse in the bible which has caused much debate among nathwark-enthusiasts:
"And ye shalt have no foreign creatures living on the inside of your body, for the body is the temple of God and surely all violaters of this law must be put to the sword." - Deuteronomy 16:23
However, many theologians will tell you that this was a movement against a specific pagan rite of the caananites which involved surgically implanting live insects beneath the surface of the skin, and does not refer to the nathwarka. Modern science tells us that there are millions of microscopic organisms living inside our bodies that we aren't even aware of, and it would be impossible to remove all of them. Growing a nathwark is no different than allowing these natural bacterium to habitate inside you.
Q) "My nathwark is dry, itchy, sun-burned, or irritable."
A) Try rubbing lotion on the dry areas. Be sure that the lotion you use is all-natural and does not contain any harsh chemicals which may cause a negative reaction.
Q) Can my nathwark be used to "enhance" my relationship? (You know what I'm talking about...)
A) Because of the nathwark's phallic shape and dynamic flexibility, many couples want to use the nathwark to "spice up" their lives. This is a safe choice for many, because the nathwark cannot spread diseases or cause pregnancy, but please be aware that the nathwark is a very sensitive creature and may react inversely to any manipulation or rough handling.
"I've felt great ever since I grew a nathwark. I have more confidence than ever before! People see me walking on the beach and always want to talk about it. I've met a lot of new friends. Thanks, nathwark!" -Jim Ludwidge of Pensacola
"Ever since my buddies were all killed off in 'Nam, I haven't talked to anyone. But now that I have a nathwark, I have a new friend that I can talk to whenever I want, and it always understands. This is better than a dog!" -Bud Blazerman, Veteran.
"I love to see the surprised faces of the little school children when I open my jacket and show them my squriming nathwark!" -Ed, Exibitionist
"It's sure been terrible lonesome on the farm ever since my Chesterton died of heart failure two years ago and my grandchildren never visit me anymore, but I ordered me a nathwark and now I always have a friend." -Edithanne Bellings, Widow
"Ever since my umbilical cord was cut as a baby, I've felt like something was missing in that area of my life. But now, thanks to nathwark, I feel like a whole person again! And my wife loves it, too!" -Frank Waldenheim of Ontario
WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO GROW A NATHWARK IF YOU ARE PREGNANT OR MAY BECOME PREGNANT. THE NATHWARK MAY USE THE NUTRIENTS REQUIRED BY THE BABY, RESULTING IN SEVERE BIRTH DEFECTS.